Half a Horrible Holiday

i have my Issues w/the Fourth of July. There are reasons for that, but also reasons not to - i *have* enjoyed it in the past; i need to connect with those associations and not more recent, ugly ones. It came up in conversation Sat. night that it can be one of those dates, like New Years Eve, when one might pause and reflect back on where they were in previous years and take stock. i suppose one could make a case for those two being our secular equivalents to the solstices.

i wasn't particularly thinking about it one way or the other coming in to it, other than to not really be paying much attention. Which may have a lot to do with why the early part of the day was really good for me. We had a theater party out east, at the home of the folks i was house-sitting for. It was a nice, relaxed gather, with FAR too much good food , yummy martinis, entertainment, and a pool. Fun, but not ~quite~ warm enough to be relaxing. It was good exercise, but i got a chill which took a while to shake. i also shot a black powder gun, something i've never done, and wouldn't have CONSIDERED four years ago. i had fun and wasn't at all bothered by the noise or explosions, at least that i could tell then.

i gave a couple folks a ride back to town; we were heading downtown as the city display was going off, and that was fine too. This is probably the first year i've been able to watch fireworks and not be bothered by them since i don't know when. Dropped one of them off and then went on to the big Tremont/Ohio City bash where Mr. & Ms. Everyone were going. i knew going in that this was a rooftop party, but thought nothing of it. Why should i?

Various factors: When i arrived, a cranky toddler was at the top.. i thought he was scared to come down, but it turned out he wanted to do it HIMSELF, and did - so i'm watching this very small boy come down a rather unsafe climb. Other people up there were also suffering vertigo, and/or stress over going back down the scary ladder. i was already a bit physically worn out, and a bit psychically open. And we were three stories up, slightly higher than nearby buildings. The view of downtown was gorgeous, actually, but i couldn't appreciate it. The retaining walls really weren't, merely crenelations. The roof was grey, soft, slightly pitched, and it was just past twilight. All of which added up to one major panic attack for me.

i got down before it really hit, but then i was at a fairly large party, with very few people i knew. It turned out that this was actually a *neighbor's* party being held in tandem, and the folks i knew better had moved to the other one - only i didn't know where that was. From there on, it just didn't get any better. What i needed was to get the hell out of there, go somewhere i felt Safe and could ground; but i couldn't easily do that. People are used to me being someone who keeps it all together, blah blah blah, and i had Responsibilities.

Parts of the party were alright too tho.. Being there didn't *suck*, but it was too much of a fête for me to be able to relax and get grounded again. Oh, and my eye - i'd managed to get ground clove on my contact lens (don't ask) so my eye was already irritated, and the later it got, the more i needed to get the irritation out of there like, yesterday. Alas i had agreed to play taxi. With an eye that was by then so gummed up my vision was *badly* blurred. Through one of the more urban parts of town. On the night of a big party holiday when cops are everywhere.

Are we surprised that by the time i finally, finally got home, i was a total wreck? This is already long enough so i won't detail all the various stress factors that are lurking and will soon have to be Dealt With, but suffice to say every single one of them came crashing in on me. At some point i guess exhaustion finally won out. i know i managed to fall asleep, because a *very* late night text woke me up. And once awake, i realized that i smelled something burning.. not food or paper, but Large Wooden Something, like, a house. My whole apartment smelled like Starwood on a Saturday night. There was a fairly catastrophic explosion & house fire in Tremont just a couple weeks ago, so one more thing for my over-over-stressed and freaked out system to worry about. i never did figure out where it was, only that it wasn't *here* or close enuf to affect me, so somehow exhaustion managed to shut me down enuf to sleep.

All of which means i was generally pretty useless at set build. Fortunately we'd had a good turnout, so me being 98% useless today wasn't too much of an issue. i was gifted a massage and some energy work, and finally did make it over to my good friends' yard & pool, and a relaxing afternoon in the sunshine.

All in all, i'm on my way back to alright now, and of course i'm from the What Doesn't Kill Me school so - this too shall pass. Maybe next year the 4th will be just happy and relaxing like it is for other people. i almost got there this year; it was a good beginning and a good end. But that middle part went way too heavy on the suck for me.